Friday, May 20, 2011



There I put it out there.  As soon as you read that word you had a thought either for or against.  Right now all over the USA people are picking sides, mud is being slung, and people are getting hurt.

This is probably one of the hottest hot button issues in The USA.  EVERYONE has an opinion.  Pro-life or Pro-choice.  Now I will start by saying that these two camps have very unfortunate names.  Pro-life was chosen to make you believe that the other group is a bunch of baby hating murderers.  Pro-choice was chosen to make you feel that the other group was a bunch of woman hating dictators.  Their very names are meant to elicit a certain emotional response and while genius on a political level they leave me rather confused as I could never say I was anti-life or anti-choice. 

What is a girl to do?  Who is a girl to believe?  Where can I possibly get more information?  I know!!!!   YOUTUBE!  Admitadly not thr most reliable source but it was easy to do and I thought I could likely get at least some reliable info. on what is going on here in the good ole USA.
I present to you the very first video that came up when I typed in "pro-life video" into the YouTube search:

That truly was a beautiful video.  As they say a picture really is worth 1,000 words.  Developing fetuses are amazing.  They look like you and me and they look like the baby that they will one day be.  Emotion overwhelms me when I view this video and I want to have 10 more kids because babies are just about my most favorite thing in the whole wide world.  They are so sweet and they smell so good.  They are tiny and rely on you 100% of the time for every little thing they need.  They have consumed so much of my being that they are what I want to do when I grow up, you see I plan on becoming a nurse and devoting the rest of my life to these beautiful little beings.

Now the first video that comes up when I type in "pro-choice video":

Wow.  Now I am thinking not just about the fetus/baby but about the woman who has to carry it.  I am a woman and I would hate for ANYONE to tell me I have to be pregnant.  I certainly feel that I couldn't look a teenage girl in the eyes and tell her that even though she was raped by her own father she has to carry the fetus/baby to term.  I don't feel as though our government should tell me what my rights are with my own body.  I certainly would not want any of my friends, relatives, or my daughters to feel that the only choice they have is a back alley quack with a lighter and a hanger.  Fear can be a powerful motivator.  Fear of being called a slut, of not being able to care for the child, of being disowned by family and shunned by society, or of bring a child into an abusive lefestyle.  I am now thoroughly confused.

And now a video to find out who is having these abortions.  First video when you type into YouTube "abortions in the United States."

Wait.  So the average woman who has an abortion is a white woman in their 20's who already has a few kids and lives below the poverty line?  But, that's ME.  Could I afford to have another baby? No.  Do I want another baby? No.  Would I choose an abortion if I found out I was pregnant tomorrow? No.  But that's just me.  I could see why someone in  my exact situation would choose to have one.  Could I tell her that she has to carry that fetus to term and to just give it up for adoption if she can't afford it/ doesn't want it? No way.  I just do not feel I have the right to tell another what they should and should not do with their uterus.  I can see perfectly all the strain, pain, and anguish that the woman would go through if she carried that child or if she chose to do an abortion.  Both choices carry a heavy burden and it is not my place to decide for her.

Where I stand.

I am starting to form my own thoughts, ideas, and feelings on this very sensitive issue.  Do I believe that abortion is an easy choice? No.  Do I believe caring for an unwanted child is an easy choice? No.  So where do I land? Where is my line in the sand drawn?  I have no idea.

A few of my thoughts and where I think it might be a good place to start:

Survivability should be THE number one issue. 
       1.  If the mother will not survive the pregnancy she should have the legal option to terminate.  There is no way for me or anyone else to ethically tell a woman that her FETUS is more important then her own life. 
       2.  If the fetus CANNOT survive on it's own outside the womb the woman should have the option to terminate.  This means that either the fetus has an abnormality that makes survivability impossible or extremely unlikely or has some other genetic issue that will make the child dependent on it's parents for the rest of it's life.  This also means to me that a woman should have the option to abort before the child reaches around 30 weeks of gestational age regardless of genetic abnormality or other health issues.  After 30 weeks or so when the fetus could survive and grow into a healthy adult I just can not help but put value on the baby and think that the mother should not have an abortion but that some form of delivery could take place and an adoption set up.

Some other thoughts:

Abortion is such a tricky subject.  I don't think there is a right or a wrong answer.  Sure in a perfect world we would all get pregnant exactlly when we want to, all of our babies would be healthy and we would be healthy enough to carry to full term, there would be no abuse or rape, and we would all have the means both financially and emotionally to raise a child.  But the world is not black and white, there is a whole spectrum of color.  Each life is different and I feel it unfair and unjust to paint everyone with a broad brush.  I believe ultimatly decisions regarding my body are my own to make and I support the right of another to make their decisions too.  The emotional consequenses of getting an abortion, giving a baby up for adoption, or keeping a baby are all heavy.  Each person should be able to make the decision that they feel they need to make.  So I guess I wind up politically pro-choice even though emotionally I am pro-life.

Sunday, May 15, 2011


It all started with cleaning.  I will tell you that cleaning is bad for your health and in this particular instance it was.

It was the day before Lilly's birthday party at Castles and Coasters.  My sister was over so naturally I started to clean stuff.  I don't know why this happens every time she comes over but it does.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact I find cleaning to be the most boring activity on the face of the planet right under watching baseball on TV and so I hardly ever do it.  I mean sure I pick up and put stuff away.  I fold laundry and take out the trash.  I also do dishes and wipe of the counter, but real cleaning I hardly ever do and I never do alone.  So Ashley was over and we were chatting and I was cleaning the kitchen cabinets.  Then all of a sudden a splinter the size of a toothpick went up under my thumbnail!


I danced around and squeezed my thumb tight.  I hopped on one foot then the other and finally got calm enough to rip the stupid thing out.  Man my thumb hurt!  It was about the thickness of a toothpick and it was a good 2 inches long with about half an inch up under my nail.  Thankfully it was along the edge of my nail and not directly down the center.  See!  I told you cleaning is bad for your health!

Well I soaked my thumb in salt water took some Tylenol and watched in amazement as the thing grew to twice it's normal size.

We went to Castles and Coasters for Lilly's party and had a great time.  My thumb hurt like crazy but it was tolerable.

Fast forward a month....

My thumb stayed swollen and developed a painful red bump by the knuckle, but I didn't think much of it.  I figured that it was just injured from the huge splinter and it was my body trying to fight off infection. 

Eventually the nail, where the splinter went under, started to lift.  I would regularly lift up the edge and try to get peroxide in there to help my body fight whatever nasty bug had gotten a free ride up under my thumbnail.  After a month I trimmed off the edge of my nail in order to get better air flow and have easier access to peroxide it. 

A day or two after trimming the nail I noticed a dark thing by the cuticle.  I thought it might be a bit of scab but the color just didn't seem right so I decided to use some tweezers to try to lift whatever it was out of the corner of my nail.

Much to my surprise once I pried the little mystery substance up it looked like it just might be a little piece of splinter.  So I got ahold of the edge with the tweezers and started to pull....  I kept pulling and pulling...  out came a 3/4 inch piece of splinter!!!  That mysterious red swollen area on my thumb was where the end of the splinter resided.... all the way up at my knuckle!!!  Ack! Ewww! Gross!

Friday, April 29, 2011


Mornings can be rough for anyone.  Now add 6 kids ages 1-9 to the equation and you have barely controlled chaos.

This particular morning I am operating on roughly 4 hours of broken sleep thanks to a lovely little cough I have.  Do the kids care that Mom only had 4 hours of sleep?  No.

This morning was also a shower morning.  My kids shower every other day if it isn't summer and they are not particularly stinky.  Shower mornings can go one of two ways.  The first is they all take turns and the showers are of an appropriate length of time.  The second is they scream, cry, and fight each other to go first then just stand under the water until I yell from across the house after a good 15 mins "ARE YOU DONE YET fill in child's name??"  the response to which is always "I still need to use the soap!" translation being "I have been standing under the warm water in order to ensure that my siblings shower will be icy cold and they will be awful and whining for the rest of the morning, and I have not even washed my body or my hair so I am going to be at least another 10 mins."  If you couldn't guess this morning was the second way.

Lanae is a morning person.  She was skipping about and sickeningly cheerful.

Alana was not in a good mood this morning.  I am not sure why... it could have been that she wanted to go first in the shower but that honor was bestowed upon Savana, or it could have been that since Savana was first in the shower she "stole" what Alana was going to wear.  Did Savana know she was putting on what her sister was planning on wearing today? nope.  But that didn't matter to Alana.  Alana screamed and cried and Savana tried to appease her by giving up the outfit but alas it was not good enough for now it was... damp.  Yep Savana got the shirt damp from her hair and now the shirt was surely ruined!!!!  Screaming and crying Alana came to me and explained the gross injustice that had occurred and that she now had NOTHING to wear I told her to go back to her room and just put something on and I did not care what she wore but could not attend school in her panties.  I was answered with more cries of how unfair her 7 year old life was but she did relent and get dressed.

Back to Lanae.  She is something else entirely.  I have not figured out exactly what she is but as I have said before she fancies herself a purple vampire princess mermaid that can change into anything.  She just could not pass up an opportunity to use her chipperness in some very dark and vampirelike fashion so she sang to Alana her ABC's.  For some reason Alana did not appreciate the 5 year olds off key and obscenely loud version of the song and yelled "STOP SINGING!" covered her ears and "UNGGGHHHHED" in order to drown her out. 

Lanae, being unscathed by her sisters reaction, skipped back up to me and asked "What's wrong with Alana?" 

My reply "Alana is in a bad mood this morning it is probably best to leave her alone."

 Lanae "I don't think she likes my singing..."

 My reply "Your singing is lovely sweetie" 

Lanae "I sang the ABC's just perfect, I'm very smart mom." 

My reply "Yes you are very smart honey." 

Lanae  "Maybe we should just get rid of Alana." *giggle* skip out of the room. 

My reply *blink blink* "uhhhh" *uncomfortable laugh followed by my silence as I listened to Lanae skip back up to Alana and start singing her ABC's.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011


Family is a mess.

I am very, very lucky.  I was raised in a family with a mom and a dad that love me unconditionally.  No matter what happens or who I am or turn out to be they will be there.  I have a brother and a sister that are great too.  Did we drive each other crazy while we were growing up? Yep.  Are we going to continue to drive each other nuts every now and then? Yep.  But over all my family is fantastic.  And that extends to most of my extended relations as well.  We have our fair share of craziness but what family doesn't?  Family is about being there when you are needed and I know without a doubt they will be there.

I am also one of the more fortunate ones who was raised in a more liberal environment.  Now before some of you get all huffy and think "what's wrong with being conservative???" I will tell you, nothing really this is just my point of view.  To me a conservative environment is filled full of "no" while a liberal environment is filled with "yes".  From my VERY limited experiences here on this big round ball I get the feeling that a liberal family tries to encourage you to be yourself while the conservative family tries to limit your exposure to the outside world all in the name of protection.

Now for some INSANE reason when I was 18 (that's a part of the reason there) and insanely in love with my wonderful boyfriend and future husband(that's probably part of the reason as well) I decided to join a ultra-conservative religion.  Now being raised a liberal I had to shelve a few of my ideas not only to fit in but to not drive myself insane with cog-dis.  Joining also had a weird side effect on my familial relations.  I idolized my in-laws(to be clear here I am talking about my entire in-law family) and practically cast out the family that raised me.  Now when I say I idolized my in-laws I am not being overly dramatic or sensational... I practically worshiped them and they could do NO wrong.  RED FLAG!!! This was not healthy.  Two years ago, after careful research and heartfelt prayer, my religious world came crashing down.  I had to do some serious restructuring of not only myself but all my relationships.  EVERYTHING shifted.  I had to reexamine who I was while simultaneously reexamining everyone around me and how they fit into my life.  This caused major damage to the in-law family and had a beautiful healing effect with me and the family I was raised in.  There my family was waiting with open arms.  You see I treated them very poorly while involved in religion but they never gave up on me.  I snubbed them by not inviting them to my temple sealing but they forgave and forgot and allowed me to feel out what I wanted and where I wanted to land.  I will be forever thankful that I have them in my life.  Now with the in-laws we are still feeling things out.  I really hope that things will work out but I wonder if the ultra-conservative view really allows for me to be me.  Will I be accepted for who I am and encouraged to form my own opinion about life?  or will I be rejected and cut out like a cancer and viewed as a danger to the happy utopia?

Now that is not to say that my in-laws are not fantastic people.  They are.  They are kind, generous, loving, productive, caring, and faithful people.  My concern actually is not with them as people but their views as an ultra-conservative.  I love them and will continue to pursue a happy and healthy relationship with all of them.  Also understand I am using gross generalization here on purpose.  I do not want to "call-out" any one person or persons, but I do want to express my feelings and thoughts on this subject.

I am not keeping anything on my little shelf anymore.  I took it all down and examined it. I have kept what I found useful and rejected what I found to be toxic.  I will continue to evolve and change as I see fit.  Because I am human I will make mistakes. and because I am human I will try my best to remedy them.  I hope that I will be accepted and loved for the flawed human being that I am.

Monday, April 25, 2011


Well,  I am starting a blog.  Way to state the obvious right?  Sometimes I feel that there is so much going on in my family and in my head that I would love a spot to write it down and share it.  I am giving all who read this fair warning though that some of my life and my thoughts may offend!  I am not trying to be offensive but as many of you know I have decided to leave the Mormon church and my life is not always in line with their teachings and principals.  I may offend those with more delicate sensibilities so READER BEWARE!  I do plan on trying to share the lighter side of being a mom and trying my best to raise my 6 kids so not all of my blogging will be so serious but I am sure some of my religious issues might appear here.  Consider yourself advised :D

alright on to what's going on in my life...

This weekend was Lanaes 5th birthday party!!!!  A bit about Lanae...  She is a VERY imaginative child (to say the least)  When she grows up she wants to be a mermaid, but not just any ole mermaid but a purple vampire princess mermaid that can change into anything.  Don't worry though she only plans on drinking "bad guys" blood.  I have yet to nail down exactly what a "bad guy" is to her yet though, it might be a person who murders, rapes, and steals or it might be someone who refused to give her exactly what she wanted as she kicked and screamed on the floor of the toy section at Walmart.  Anyway...  She wanted her own birthday where lots of people came and brought her presents.  She has sorta had it hard since her oldest sister (Lilly) has her birthday 5 days before her and I have a bad habit of trying to combine them to save on costs.  This year though Lanae demanded her own party and we gave it to her.  She had a great time.  When it came time to do presents we gathered all the kids and adults and had the best time watching her open gifts.  She was hilarious!  Each gift warranted a squeal of delight or the "ahhhhhhhh"ing of angels.  At one point she pulled out a receipt and exclaimed "OH! a receipt!" in a high, cute, and delighted fashion.  I swear it makes me want to buy her a gift everyday just to watch her open them.

Easter was weird for us this year.  It has been a few years since Ryan and I decided that The Mormon church wasn't true and it wasn't really until just recently we have decided to classify our beliefs as agnostic atheists.  (that would mean that we don't believe that there is a God but we can't prove that their isn't one either)  This makes Easter a very odd time of year.  We made it through Christmas without a hiccup concentrating on the giving and the "spirit" of Christmas of loving your fellow man and all that.  Easter is a different story though.  Sure you can concentrate on the Easter bunny side of things with egg hunts and candy baskets but it just felt hollow kind of like a cheep chocolate rabbit. Easter has really lost it's substance and for some reason every time someone would say "happy Easter" or posted something on Facebook about Jesus I bristled.  I think what was going on is I was feeling the loss of my faith.  It stung.  We also did not have our traditional Easter over at my in-laws due to some familial issues (you don't really want to know) and I was very sad and upset at that as well.  I am sincerely hoping that the family issues will get better and that we will all be able to have holidays together (I am not going to hold my breath but it could happen) because I do love my extended family.

Easter was also fun.  We got to go over to the Dickersons home and have some ham and their boys hid eggs for our kids to find.  It was nice and surprisingly quiet seeing as how there were 9 kids there.  The Dickersons have a lovely home and they and my parents and siblings make fine company.  I had a great time.

Well this concludes my first entry.  I hope you enjoy your little peek into my life :D