Mess

Family is a mess.

I am very, very lucky.  I was raised in a family with a mom and a dad that love me unconditionally.  No matter what happens or who I am or turn out to be they will be there.  I have a brother and a sister that are great too.  Did we drive each other crazy while we were growing up? Yep.  Are we going to continue to drive each other nuts every now and then? Yep.  But over all my family is fantastic.  And that extends to most of my extended relations as well.  We have our fair share of craziness but what family doesn't?  Family is about being there when you are needed and I know without a doubt they will be there.

I am also one of the more fortunate ones who was raised in a more liberal environment.  Now before some of you get all huffy and think "what's wrong with being conservative???" I will tell you, nothing really this is just my point of view.  To me a conservative environment is filled full of "no" while a liberal environment is filled with "yes".  From my VERY limited experiences here on this big round ball I get the feeling that a liberal family tries to encourage you to be yourself while the conservative family tries to limit your exposure to the outside world all in the name of protection.

Now for some INSANE reason when I was 18 (that's a part of the reason there) and insanely in love with my wonderful boyfriend and future husband(that's probably part of the reason as well) I decided to join a ultra-conservative religion.  Now being raised a liberal I had to shelve a few of my ideas not only to fit in but to not drive myself insane with cog-dis.  Joining also had a weird side effect on my familial relations.  I idolized my in-laws(to be clear here I am talking about my entire in-law family) and practically cast out the family that raised me.  Now when I say I idolized my in-laws I am not being overly dramatic or sensational... I practically worshiped them and they could do NO wrong.  RED FLAG!!! This was not healthy.  Two years ago, after careful research and heartfelt prayer, my religious world came crashing down.  I had to do some serious restructuring of not only myself but all my relationships.  EVERYTHING shifted.  I had to reexamine who I was while simultaneously reexamining everyone around me and how they fit into my life.  This caused major damage to the in-law family and had a beautiful healing effect with me and the family I was raised in.  There my family was waiting with open arms.  You see I treated them very poorly while involved in religion but they never gave up on me.  I snubbed them by not inviting them to my temple sealing but they forgave and forgot and allowed me to feel out what I wanted and where I wanted to land.  I will be forever thankful that I have them in my life.  Now with the in-laws we are still feeling things out.  I really hope that things will work out but I wonder if the ultra-conservative view really allows for me to be me.  Will I be accepted for who I am and encouraged to form my own opinion about life?  or will I be rejected and cut out like a cancer and viewed as a danger to the happy utopia?

Now that is not to say that my in-laws are not fantastic people.  They are.  They are kind, generous, loving, productive, caring, and faithful people.  My concern actually is not with them as people but their views as an ultra-conservative.  I love them and will continue to pursue a happy and healthy relationship with all of them.  Also understand I am using gross generalization here on purpose.  I do not want to "call-out" any one person or persons, but I do want to express my feelings and thoughts on this subject.

I am not keeping anything on my little shelf anymore.  I took it all down and examined it. I have kept what I found useful and rejected what I found to be toxic.  I will continue to evolve and change as I see fit.  Because I am human I will make mistakes. and because I am human I will try my best to remedy them.  I hope that I will be accepted and loved for the flawed human being that I am.